You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
