jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
