Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My hand turned me down
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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