I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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