Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
