I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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