last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
