Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
