Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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