Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
