At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
