I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
