my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
