I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
