just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
