are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
