so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
