Yo dont text me then not text me
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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