Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
