I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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