Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
