Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
