Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
