Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
