Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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