If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
