Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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