Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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