So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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