I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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