Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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