the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You ate ashes out of my bong
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
