I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
