Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
