Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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