Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
