where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
