Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
im holly from the hills drunk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
