his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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