Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
