My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
