My room smells like vodka and shame
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
