I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I won't apologize to a one balled man
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
