your parents love me but you hate me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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