All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
