oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
