1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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