I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
