Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I feel like abortions should bother me more
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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