Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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