drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
